


all or nothing at all

by ithinkiloveyoubetternow



Series: Nurseydex week [7]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Future Fic, Getting Back Together, Hand Jobs, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 13:17:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11578854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ithinkiloveyoubetternow/pseuds/ithinkiloveyoubetternow
Summary: Will took a long drink before answering. He didn't look ready for any of this either. "It's nice, Nursey. Derek. God fuck this is awkward." A laugh was punched out of his chest, it looked painful. Derek felt his own chest twinge in sympathy.Derek huffed out a laugh too. "Yeah, well. It's. Yeah, same here."





	all or nothing at all

**Author's Note:**

> Nurseydex week day 7 - future fic 
> 
> Characters belong to Ngozi  
> Title from All or nothing at all - the Billie Holiday version ;)

Derek was sitting in his apartment. It was raining outside; it cast the room in a subdued, grayish light. As a writer, Derek could appreciate how well the weather matched his mood. It was all very poetic. It didn't help him with his mood at all, but he wasn't sure if a bright sunny day would have been any better. He swirled his whiskey around in his glass. The ice had almost completely melted, which meant that the drink would probably taste horrible now. Perfect. He took a swig.

Tipping his head back, he took a deep breath. He needed to stop feeling so sorry for himself. Everything was actually going well for him at the moment. He should be out, celebrating how well his first book was doing. His agent had called him this morning with the news, sales were going so well that they might crack the New York Time's best seller list this week. And that morning, he'd felt ecstatic about it. If he hadn't just been in line at Starbucks at the moment of the call, he might have jumped in the air. Instead, he'd just grinned like an idiot at the barista and ordered himself a ridiculously large hot chocolate with so much whipped cream that he was sure his arteries were like half sugar by now. But then, he'd gotten back to his apartment. Alone. And his joy had collapsed in his chest. Everything might be going well in his professional life, but his romantic life could use a serious boost. It had been months since he'd even brought someone back to his place. 

He sighed and got up from his chair. He put on the many table lamps that were strewn about his apartment. When he'd first moved here, all he had was the harsh overhead lighting that cast from the ceiling. He'd hated it. His mom had helped him pick out the lamps from various antique shops around the city. They'd probably gone a little overboard, but at least his place felt a lot more cozy now. He paused at the writing desk that stood in the corner of his living room. On top of it were items he'd gathered over the years.

As a student fresh out of college, he had rented tiny rooms for a few years. Because of all the moving around he did, he didn't hang on to many knick-knacks that tended to gather around his room. He didn't have much stuff left from his days at Samwell, save for a hoodie and a ticket stub from the first Falconers game that they'd all attended. It was one of the things that he hadn't been able to get rid of. He looked at it now on his desk, the print had faded a bit but the memory of that time still brought a smile to his face. 

There were some other things lying on his desk. A jar from a candle his mom had bought him when he had moved into his first apartment. He bought it anew every once in a while and the smell took him back every time. In the jar, he kept some sand from a beach that Chris and Caitlin had visited once. He had sent them a text that said  _I miss you guys :(_ and they had mailed him sand. It was probably the weirdest thing anyone had ever mailed to him. But it was possibly also the sweetest thing. So, he'd kept it.

He ran his finger over the sand, drawing a little heart in the center of the jar. The other things on his desk came with some more complicated feelings. There were some sea shells that he'd gathered on a beach walk somewhere in Maine. He remembered the day in short impressions. The taste of the coffee that Will had handed him over the gear shift as they headed off that afternoon. How he'd tasted that same coffee an hour later, when he was kissing him up against his car. The press of Will's shoulder against his when they sat down after a long walk to watch the sunset. The sand scratching between their fingers when they interlaced them. If he closed his eyes, he could still see Will's hair ablaze in the orange of the sky. He felt the ridges of the shells, grazed his fingers over the softness within. Oh, how much they reminded him of Will.

The last thing on his desk glittered in the light of his desk lamp. The golden confetti winked at him. He'd plucked them out of Will's hair after their first pride together.

Suddenly, he was rudely shaken out of his reverie when his doorbell buzzed. He frowned, he was not expecting anyone tonight. He specifically cleared this day on his calendar, so he could either fret or celebrate in peace as his novel hit the shelves. 

'What the actual fuck, Derek?"

Will. Why was Will standing in his hallway? He resisted the urge to pinch himself. Derek was reminded of another time when Will had showed up at his doorstep. That seemed like a lifetime ago.

"Uhm. Hi? What's going on?" His voice quavered, but he figured he was allowed a bit of quavering. What the fuck was happening.

Will scowled. Derek only just now noticed that his hair was plastered to his head. It must have started raining. The hair made his ears stand out more. It somehow made him look even more adorable. Will reached into his back and thrust something at Derek. "Why didn't you tell me?" Derek focused on what he was holding now. He saw his own name flash in front of him. His novel. Oh.

He rubbed his lip, a nervous tick that Will surely noticed. "Ehr. Maybe you should come in." He moved aside.

Will hesitated for a second before entering. Once inside, he promptly took off his shoes. Right, they were probably wet and he didn't want to track dirt into his apartment. This felt so familiar to Derek that his chest constricted, and for a second he couldn't move. He shook it off. 

"You want a drink or something?" He needed a second to gather his thoughts. He was so not prepared for any of this tonight. 

"I'll take whatever you're having." Will's eyebrows were still lightly drawn into a frown, but his tone had softened a bit. 

When Derek returned with their drinks, he'd just poured them a glass of the whiskey he had been drinking earlier; Will was still standing. He was looking around with interest. Right, Derek thought, he hasn't been here yet.

"What do you think of the new place?" Derek said, just to break the silence. He handed Will his glass and clinked his own against it in a silent toast.

Will took a long drink before answering. He didn't look ready for any of this either. "It's nice, Nursey. Derek. God fuck this is awkward." A laugh was punched out of his chest, it looked painful. Derek felt his own chest twinge in sympathy.

Derek huffed out a laugh too. "Yeah, well. It's. Yeah, same here." 

They stood there awkwardly looking at each other for an excruciatingly long moment. Derek couldn't take it. He sat down on his couch. Will almost looked like he'd rather stay standing, but eventually he moved to sit down next to him. His couch was big enough that Will could leave a cushion between them. This wasn't any less awkward, but at least now Derek didn't have to focus on staying upright. The unanswered questions floated in the air between them. 

They started speaking at the same time.

"So, what are you..."

"Why didn't you.."

Will pinched his nose and sighed. He gestured for Derek to go first.

"What are you doing here Will? Not that I'm not happy to see you, but." He paused to phrase the next part. "But I'd rather it not be because you're yelling at me on my doorstep. Will at least had the decency to flinch a bit at his words.

Will squirmed, his fingers playing with the glass in his hand before answering. "I'm in New York for business. I've uhm, well I'm negotiating with my firm to move up in the company. They want to send me to their New York office to manage a small team." Derek feels something rising in him that feels an awful lots like he hope. He wants to say _congrats man, that's great_ but Will is already continuing. "I was at the airport when..." The frown was back on his face. "You know, imagine my surprise when I'm in the airport store to buy some gum when I suddenly see my ex-boyfriend's name on the cover of a book. I... I couldn't believe it. I knew you were in New York writing, but. I didn't know you'd gotten published. At first, I felt so proud." He turned his gaze on Derek. His frown had softened, but in its place had come something much worse. Will's eyes looked so big and sad. "Then, I just felt confused and mad. I thought we were friends, at least. I... Why didn't you tell me?" He repeated the question that he'd asked earlier at the door.

Now it was Derek's turn to fidget. In truth, he didn't really have a good answer to that question. He sighed. "I'm not really sure. I wanted to! You have to know, I didn't do it to hurt your feelings Will. It was just. Every time I tried to pick up the phone to tell you, I just felt like. I don't know, I just chickened out. I figured you'd hear about it from Chris eventually. I'm sorry."

Will put his glass on the coffee table and turned to look at Derek better. His eyes still looked sad, but the corners of his mouth weren't turned down. Instead, it was doing something complicated. Like it was fighting the words bubbling up in Will's throat. He opened his mouth a few times, as if he was going to say something, before snapping it shut again. Eventually he settled on "I... I get it. It would have been awkward. It would probably have sucked." He smiled wryly. "I wouldn't say it would have been as awkward as this moment we're finding ourselves in right now, but yeah. It would have been awkward. I get that. It still hurt." Derek opened his mouth to apologize him again, but Will cut him off. "No, it's. It's okay. I get it. It still hurt. I expect your apology."

He reached to get his glass again. He held it to clink against Derek's. A peace offering.

"So now that we've both established that this is awkward, do you want to get pizza? I have yet to come across a situation that couldn't be improved with pizza." Derek said.

Will smiled at him. "Yeah. Let's do that." 

After they'd picked out their pizza's and Derek had called in to order, they settled back on the couch. Right. Still awkward. Derek stood up again. "You know what's good with pizza? Wine. I'm going to decant one right now, so we'll be able to eat it with dinner. Be right back." He knew he was rambling, but he couldn't help it. Will's eyes widened, but he nodded. Maybe he needed a moment to himself too.

Derek retreated to the kitchen to pick a bottle. Well, there wasn't much picking. It's not like he had a wine cellar in his apartment, he wasn't that rich yet. But, he had about four bottles stashed away in his cabinet, so he took his time choosing one. He was trying not to think about Will sitting in the other room, but he supposed it was inevitable. Will, who'd once upon a time been Dex. Someone he had loved. And then dumped. That sounded harsh, but Derek had gone over the ending enough times to admit that's what he had done.

He'd dumped Will. Because of many reasons, he'd told himself at the time. They lived in different cities, so their relationship was long distance for the most part. Not that they hadn't been managing that. There had been other reasons. The biggest one for Derek had been the fact that he'd been Will's first. First person he'd been with after coming out. First person he'd fucked. First person he'd said I love you to. And Derek had loved him so much too, but there'd been this voice at the back of his mind. It had come up strongest when he had been standing with Will at that first Pride he took him to. Will had gaped at how open and proud everyone had walked beside them. He was basically Will's first anything. But Will hadn't been his first. He'd been able to look around a bit, seen what's out there before settling in this relationship. Wasn't Will allowed to look around too? 

He'd brought it up before, of course. But Will had always brushed him off. Told him he was happy with Derek by his side. And yet the voice had persisted. So he'd called it off. Sent Will into the big big world to experience things. 

Of course, when Will had posted pictures of himself two weeks after their breakup at some nightclub, some guy plastered to his side. It had hurt. But Derek had still thought it had been the right thing to do. And over the years, through all the heartache he'd suffered through, that had never not been true. Even though he sometimes regretted what he'd done, he still thought he'd done right by Will.

In the first year after they split up, they didn't talk at all. Chris hadn't said anything, but Derek could tell it weighed on him. He felt sad about that too. He had hurt of his best friends at once. During a particularly drunk night, he'd written Will a letter. The next morning, he'd taken one look at the scribbled mess and torn it up. But then a week later, he'd sat down and written the letter anyway. After another week of gathering his courage, he'd sent the letter. When Will had called him, things had been painfully awkward back then too. But they'd decided to be friends again and things were better after that. 

Derek pulled his shoulders back and stood up. When had he sat down at the table? He grabbed two glasses and went back to the living room. He'd had enough of living in the past. His friend was here, now. The least he could do was talk to him.

"Hey man, so tell me about your job. Getting a promotion, that must be exciting right?" He said, setting the bottle and glasses down on the table. 

They chatted about work until the pizza courier arrived. They had a tiny argument over the check - "Derek, you just published a book! At least let me treat you to pizza!" and "Will! You're a guest in my house. Plus, you just got a promotion. I'm buying." Finally, Will had relented when Derek had said "I'll let you treat me next time, alright?"-. But then they could finally dive into their pizza. Derek was starving. He looked over at Will, who was happily chomping away on a piece. He was starving for more than just pizza.

They drank their wine and ate their pizza in relative silence. Every once in a while, someone would break the silence to ask the other another question about work. Slowly, the tension between them seemed to ease up a bit. Derek let him relax against the plush cushions of his couch. When they were finished, he moved to put the empty boxes in the trash. He grabbed some cookies from his pantry as dessert.

When he returned, Will was standing at his desk. He turned around when he heard Derek approach. "Oh, sorry. They caught the light and I thought. Are these?" He pointed at the confetti.

Derek nodded. "Yeah, I. I know it's a bit silly, but I couldn't get rid of them." He shrugged, feigning nonchalance. He went back to the couch. Will twiddled the strands of gold between his fingers a moment longer, before moving to the couch too. A smile was playing at his lips. Derek held out the packet in his hand. "Cookie?"

Will grabbed one and they munched on the cookies. Their crunch filled the silence in the room. It felt comfortable. Derek noticed that Will was sitting a lot closer to him than before. He could feel the heath radiating from him where their knees were almost touching. 

"Do you remember that Pride?" Will nodded so he continued. "The city looked so bright. So full of colors. Man, we had such a good time."

"I remember." Will's smile was like the sun breaking through the clouds. He snorted. "I mostly remember those leather pants you convinced me to wear, though." 

Derek couldn't stop the laugh that bubbled up. "Oh my God. We had to use so much talc."

"I channeled my inner Ross that day and I was not happy about it." Will was full on laughing now. "Especially not when you had to pull it off me that night." 

Derek smirked and before he could stop himself he said "You didn't like it when I pulled your pants off you?" 

He was pleased to see that some things never changed. At least he could still make Will blush, his cheeks pinkening prettily. "You know I did." Will looked up at him under his lashes.

Derek didn't know who moved first, they'd bicker about that later, but it didn't matter. Before he knew it, Will's lips were pressed against his and the world melted away. He put his fingers in Will's hair to pull him closer. God, how he'd missed him. Will swung his leg over Derek's, so he could sit in his lap. Between kisses, Derek arranged them more comfortably so he could lie against the cushions with Will on top of him. The weight on top of him felt so good. He practically melted into the couch. 

He gently pulled at Will's hair to make him moan. Will growled against his lips and deepened the kiss. His hands had sneaked up under Derek's t-shirt. The soft strokes of his fingers against his stomach sent shivers down his spine. He arched up against Will. His dick had by now also gotten the message. He could feel the blood rushing to it. Derek felt Will smile against him, having no doubt felt his growing erection. Will licked his lips and Derek opened his lips to let him take Derek apart with his mouth. He clutched at Will's shoulders, bunching up the fabric of his shirt. 

Will was still wearing the clothes that he'd probably worn to meetings all day. It was entirely too much clothing. Derek wiggled his hands between them to start opening up his shirt. He fumbled with the buttons and got distracted every time Will tried something new with his tongue. And oh, that. That felt good. He moaned deeply. Will's fingers were still gently tracing patterns on Derek's stomach. His gestures were teasing, never staying long in a particular spot, never putting much pressure anywhere. He toyed with the hairs below Derek's belly button. Derek's skin was on fire. 

He made another attempt to open Will's shirt, but Will's mouth was too distracting. He gave up, letting Will do indecent things with his lips and teeth and hands. He still needed to feel Will closer to him, though, so he a small sound of protest escaped his throat. Will pulled back, kissing the tip of his nose. He gently smiled down at Derek, before taking his shirt off. Derek was torn between watching him and taking the opportunity to take his own shirt off too. He decided to wait, licking his lips when Will's skin became visible button by button. His lips felt pleasantly sore from kissing.

After chucking his shirt on the ground next to him, Will leaned down. He whispered "Let me?". Derek raised his arms and let Will take his t-shirt off. Will took his sweet time, leaning down to kiss Derek's stomach. Gently nipping, Will moved the shirt up inch by inch. By the time he had finally reached Derek's lips again, Derek was panting from the effort of holding himself together. He grinded up against him, seeking friction. Will put his arms on both sides of Derek's face. He lowered his body so their chests were touching. The contact felt intimate and intense. Will kissed Derek tenderly and grinded down filthily against him. The contrast made Derek buck up even harder. He could feel Will's dick against him. 

The pressure made Will throw his head back. Derek took the opportunity to lick his way up Will's neck. The resulting moan felt intensely satisfying. He did it again. And again. Until he rested his lips at the base of Will's throat. He gently kissed his way to the point where shoulder meets neck. Derek remembered that spot. He set his teeth against it and sucked. Will stopped grinding and leaned over on one side. He used his free hand to open up the button of Derek's pants. He sucked harder. Will sucked in a breath. He sucked harder. 

Will cupped his dick through his boxers. He stopped sucking at his neck and let his head fall back against the cushion. "Will. Please." 

"Shh, I got you." Will reached in, finally freeing his dick. Derek pulled his arm towards him. He licked the palm of his hand, looking Will right in the eye. He saw a shiver run through Will's body. Will grunted. A low, guttural sound. He reached down to free his own dick too. He spit in his hand and took both of them in his hand. Derek closed his eyes. The contact felt overwhelming. He opened them again when Will swiped his thumb over the head to smear his precome around.

He tightened his grip on their dicks. Derek whined, trying to get more friction. The need to come was all-consuming. Will shushed him again and started thrusting into the ring of his hand. Derek sobbed in relief. He reached up and put his hands on Will's back, urging him on. He dug his nails in deeper when Will sped up. It didn't take either of them long to come. Derek came quietly, his mouth forming a perfect 'o'. He came in several bursts, making a mess all over his own stomach. His toes curled up and he scratched at Will's back.

Will took his hand off Derek's dick after he was done coming. He shifted, his hand gripping Derek's shoulder as he took his dick in his hand. His motions were faster and harsher than they'd been with both of their dicks in his hand. Derek watched him through half-lidded eyes. Finally, after a few more strokes, he came with a shout. His dick spurted, adding to the mess on Derek's stomach. He collapsed on his side, only half avoiding to smear the come on his own stomach too. Derek kissed the top of his head and shut his eyes.

After, when they were lying together after finally having made it to Derek's bed. After Derek had roused and sucked Will down, making him come again. After Will had returned the favor. They lay there, sticky, but uncaring for the moment. Will looked over at him. The look in his eyes was suddenly shy. "Listen, I am hoping this means something. And if it doesn't than I need you to be honest right now. I... I can't handle casual with you. I need this to mean something, or." He fell silent.

Derek gently brushed his hair aside and looked down. Will lay strewn across his chest. Derek could see the scratches he had left earlier. Will wasn't meeting his eyes. "Hey." He whispered. He waited until Will was looking at him again. "This. This means something to me. I want you. I want us to try again. Not right now, not in this moment. I'm quite enjoying just lying here. But we'll figure this out. Alright?" 

Will nodded, reaching up to kiss him. It wasn't much more than a brush of the lips, they were both too tired for anything more. But it was sweet and tender and perfect. Derek pulled his blanket over them and tightened his grip on Will's shoulders. He smiled. They had all the time in the world to figure it out.

**Author's Note:**

> First off, thank you to everyone who left kudos or commented on my fic this week. You made me really happy :* (and a big round of applause for everyone who created something!! y'all are the literal best)
> 
> Second, I hope you liked this last fic! It was a spur of the moment decision to write this (I had to scramble for ideas, there was a lot of blankly staring at my computer this evening) initially, I had an idea for a future fic but I didn't feel like making myself sad today so you got this one ;) (it was going to be really sad you guys, it involved the eulogy Dex writes for Nursey)
> 
> And to end this (already way too long) note, I hope to see some of you this summer! I have a bunch of ideas lying around that I'm excited for :D


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